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1. People smell
OK, not all people smell, but buses always seem to be full of people carrying an interesting array of scents, and they’re not always good ones. There’s the guy who’s just been to the gym in the corner, the mum with the child who may or may not have had an accident, and then there’s the guy who’s eating a Subway at 7am.
Who knows, maybe you smell a bit too, but you can smell all you want when you’re in the comfort of your own car.
2. There are many spare seats… yet you sit next to me
This is one we will never understand. You’re on a train, the carriage is virtually empty, yet the man who has just got on chooses to sit right next to you. WHY? The only logical explanation is that they fancy you or that they have a thing about that particular seat.
Either way, it makes you feel very uncomfortable and you spend the rest of your journey trying not to make awkward shoulder contact.
3. A child will cry for 75% of your journey
Getting on a bus, train or tube gives parents the opportunity to share their little bundle of joy with everyone else. By this we mean they get to share their screaming child with people who don’t have one of their own.
Thank you parents for reminding us of the importance of contraception.
4. The tube… in the summer
This is pretty self explanatory. It’s underground. It’s hot. Your face is in someone else’s armpit.
5. Drunk girls with chips
It’s the last train home and all seems peaceful… but then, is that the sound of high heels and cackling you hear? Yes it is, a group of drunk girls have joined you for the journey. Keep your head down and they won’t notice you if you’re lucky.
Depending on what takeaway snacks they have picked up, you will now have to deal with either the smell of chips and chicken or kebab until you get home.
6. Your seat is gross
If you’ve ever kicked a bus seat and watched the cloud of dust and god-only-knows-what-else fly out, you’ll know what we’re on about. Think about it – how many people have sat on that seat? OK don’t think about it too much. Gross.
7. Steamy windows
The temperature on a bus never seems to be just right. The heating is either on in the summer or off in the winter. On top of that, there’s the steamy windows to deal with, upon which someone will probably write something offensive like ‘your mum’.
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8. Whatever you do, don’t touch the STOP button
It’s a dilemma which many of us will have been faced with at least once. You’re on the bus and you press the STOP button… only to realise that the next stop is not your stop.
You have two options: keep your head down and pretend it wasn’t you while the bus driver gives the angry eye through his mirror, or get off and walk the rest of way. There are no winners in this situation.
9. Turnstiles and escalators
Sometimes turnstiles decide to not like your train ticket even though (as you insist to the ticket man) it is valid. People will judge you for not having an Oyster card, and you’ll cause a mini pile up while trying to retreat back out of the turnstile. The ticket man will then roll his eyes at you. Lesson learnt, buy an Oyster card.
Then there’s the escalators. You better make sure you STAY ON THE RIGHT, unless you want an angry Londoner to take you on. Which you don’t.
10. Oh you want to pay for your bus ticket with a £10 note?
No chance. Bus drivers don’t do change… despite that big box of change they have right in front of them.